Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
