i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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