nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Watching her eat just hurts me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
