You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
