Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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