I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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