I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
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How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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