I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she peed on how many people?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
