Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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