I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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