Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
