The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
