im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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