I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
