Just cropdusted the office
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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