also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
