he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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