The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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