last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
