My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
