well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
