I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
