i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
nutella sex= disaster
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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