Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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