Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
