I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
