you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
