Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
