remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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