so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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