Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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