i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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