i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
