you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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