i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
