What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
sarcasm needs its own font
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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