He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
