you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your penis caused this!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
