at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
