Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
