i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
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Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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