Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
