On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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