i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
