if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
