i just wanna soil my oats bro
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
