dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
