I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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