Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
