Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
