Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just pee around me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
