I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.