I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
