She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
