Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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